My Plans for Life
I wanted to be a mom all through my growing up years. I have always loved children. I come from a religious home. At church I was groomed for motherhood, told that it was the best, the most important, the most fulfilling thing that I would do as a woman. With all the insecurities that I felt, all the self-doubt and loathing that grew as I grew, to me that path also meant I could simply hide behind a husband and children and never have to make something of myself.
As I went through the healing process in college, a dream for my future grew inside me. Not a pretend one that I would share with others when they asked because it’s what I was supposed to do. But a real vision of what I wanted to do. I wanted to help make people lives better, and I wanted to do that through teaching them movement. When I graduated I was still single and I had a plan to work at a treatment center for a year and then go to graduate school.
Life, as it often does, lifted its head up and laughed at my plans. And took me for a ride. A very bumpy, joyous, and (sometimes) painful ride.
I did get a job at a treatment center. Instead of applying for graduate school though, I planned a wedding. I got married to my best friend and then put him through school. Our plan was to take turns with school. But then, this strange thing happened. I decided I wanted to be a mother, much sooner than I had been planning on. More than anything. My plans shifted again.
After my first miscarriage, I was devastated. I felt like the ground had been pulled out from under me. A voice deep inside told me what would help the heartache. So I did a yoga teacher training. It changed my life. I do not say that lightly. Yoga is what carried me through the next three years of lost pregnancies. It kept me loving myself and my body even when my body wasn’t working right. Yoga taught me how to find a place inside where I could be still, feel God’s love and my own inner strength. It got me through a rough pregnancy until finally, I found myself holding a miraculous, precious, living, breathing baby in my arms.
Motherhood
Are there any words to describe the love that you feel for your children? It’s a force of nature. And honestly, I was terrified by it. It was so powerful, so much bigger than I was. It swallowed me whole. I would never be the same. Life wasn’t about me anymore. My daughter was the earth and I was the moon. I revolved my whole being around her.
The transition to motherhood was rough, which surprised me because it was something I had wanted for so long and felt so blessed to actually be experiencing. I got through postpartum anxiety, kept on practicing yoga (though it was a great struggle to do so as the years went by), and I loved that child, and the next miracle baby that came, with everything I had. My children have enriched my life beyond measure and taught me such beautiful things about love and the miracles of this world that I will never stop being grateful that I am a mother.
Sadness and Joy
Underneath all that love and happiness, there was also a sadness. I watched a beautiful documentary called “Half the Sky” a few months in to my journey as a mom. In it they interviewed a mother in India who had sacrificed all she had to give her daughter a life outside of the prostitution she herself was trapped in. The daughter loved school and happily spoke about her big dreams to become a lawyer. I sat there as that young girl spoke about her dreams, and how hopeful she was about the future. I felt happy for her. But a voice inside me said, “What’s the point? If she’s going to become a mother, why have those dreams?”
I felt so consumed by motherhood that I felt like I had died. Perhaps that sounds dramatic, but that’s really how I felt. My dreams and my existence had been swallowed by the responsibility I felt towards my children. A couple of years went by and I settled into my new role, but that sense of loss of my Self remained.
All the heartache I’d gone through had taught me how to live with a sense of gratitude and optimism. Yoga taught me to find a peace and inner strength. The overlying feelings I had for my life were positive even with that sadness.
I hesitate to talk about this, because I never want there to be a question of if I’m glad I’m a mother. I am. Or if I love my children. I do. My love for them is still a force of nature to me, as inevitable for me to follow as gravity.
I had lots of joy with my children through all of that time. Every day, I felt blessed (and still do!) to have them. I smiled about the fact that I had toys to pick up at the end of the day and all the other evidences that there were little people living in my home. I felt I could burst when I saw them playing together, happy as can be.
Of course there was a plethora of joy. That’s why I kept going. Our little family had so much love and happiness together. There was just a quiet place inside of me that wasn’t content. Time was passing me by and I didn’t really feel in control of the direction my life was going. I didn’t know how to be a “good mom” and still be me. 
Back to School
Throughout all those years, my dreams were still there. I had fallen in love with somatics while getting my undergrad. Which means I wanted to go back to school someday and get my CLMA (Certified Laban/Bartenieff Movement Analyst, quite the mouthful, right?). The time finally felt right. I applied to the movement program while my husband was finishing up his Master’s Degree. He finished on a Friday, and I started my classes the following Monday.
That dream of mine had been on the back burner for nine years. It took quite a juggling act to make it finally happen: moving my little family in with my parents so I could be closer to school, pumping milk for my youngest child on my lunch breaks, Steve delaying starting his job to be a full-time dad for a month, and hiring a nanny after that. I cannot even describe the anguish and excessive amount of guilt I felt that first day after saying goodbye to my children. It was the right thing to do even though it was hard. My kids were well-taken care of. I became immersed in a field of study that breathed life back in to me.
I spent all day learning, analyzing, playing, laughing till tears streamed down my face, moving way out of my comfort zone, and finding myself again. The program I did was completely holistic. It didn’t just look at the whole body, but the whole person: inner thoughts and feelings and how they influence and are influenced by movement. My entire range of being was explored; not just range of motion, but of emotions too. I felt so alive. Not just because I was finally pursuing a dream of mine, but also because of the material I was studying (and it’s all much to complex to write it all out here). It was the best therapy I have ever had.
I found parts of me that I thought had died long ago and was thrilled to find that I was still me. Those things hadn’t become lost forever when I became a wife and mother. I had just let them become dormant. I began to see myself and my life more clearly.
It was while I was in this program, and experienced how therapeutic, rejuvenating, and empowering it was for me as a mother, that I first had the thought that I wanted to share this with other mothers. That seed was planted then, but it seemed too big so I shied away from it.
My goal when I finished school was simple: to go back to my life. And maybe, occasionally, teach a few people. But just a little bit. I had acquired this huge amount of knowledge and I didn’t feel quite up to the task of doing more. Not yet. My whole world had shifted. I felt like a baby bird with wings too big and heavy for me to wield. First, I had to grow into them. Then I could fly.
I Changed
When I first finished school I attempted to fit back into the same little space that I had occupied before. I thought I wanted to go back to my same life. The same quiet existence. The same friends (whom I saw only occasionally). The same movement practices. And the same way of being with my family and others that I had been before. My same life, only with more knowledge.
It took me about a year to realize I couldn’t just go back, and another year to decide what to do about it. The box was the same size, but I had outgrown it. It wasn’t comfortable anymore. I still love those people and things. I still stay at home with my kids. I still love them like crazy. But my life feels different than it used to feel. I have breathing room to also be my own person. My sense of being has expanded and my life has begun to expand with it. I have been changed by what I learned. It insists on spilling out of me, into the way I function as a mom and into the way I live. I feel compelled to share it. Not just the small doses I’ve done before in attempts to appease the compulsion, but to really share it. I’m done fighting to stay small.
So here I am. Ready to share this with you.
Moms: This is For You
I’ve talked with so many other moms, and they all have felt that same sense of being lost and overwhelmed. Though it has helped me know I’m not alone, it’s also made me a bit angry, because it shouldn’t be that way. We’re still people and still need to feel whole and happy. We need to feel like we’re thriving and not just treading water. In fact, we must feel that way in order to really bless our families in the ways we want to bless them.
I’m here to help. I want to spark a change in your life. To help you find yourself again. So you too can feel yourself expand. So you can feel empowered and whole and joyful and have the tools you need to not just handle life, but to create the life you want.
The crazy thing is how much of this can be done with movement. As you explore the ways you move, you’ll see things you never saw before. You’ll find patterns in your way of moving, and see how these are really patterns in your way of being. You’ll see how much who you are permeates your body’s tissues. You’ll learn from the wisdom of your body. As you move you’ll find how much of a whole, creative, powerful being you really are.
Interested in what I have to offer? Here are some simple ways you can benefit from what I have to share with you: join my mailing list, keep coming back here for more blogposts and soon-to-come movement practices, and follow me on social media. Share with your friends!
If you want a chance to really dive in and make things happen, I have a new online course for moms! This introductory level 8-week course can be done on your own time because I know how it is as a mom.
A sneak peak of what you’ll get:
- Access to exclusive material, designed to help you with the specific challenges you face as a mom
- Connect with a community of moms taking the course with you
- Your questions answered by me (a Registered Somatic Movement Therapist, Certified Laban/Bartenieff Movement Analyst, yoga teacher, and a mom –so I am in the trenches with you!)
- An option to have one-on-one movement therapy/coaching sessions with me at a discounted price during the course
Course is on sale now! (Learn more and/or reserve your place here.)
I am beyond thrilled to share this journey with you!